Anticipatory grief is the name given to the mix of emotions experienced when we are living in expectation of loss and grieving because of it. Anticipatory Grief is particularly relevant to those who have received a terminal diagnosis and for those who love and care for them.
Terminal diagnosis changes the very structure of our existence, takes away our control and our ability to hope and plan for the future. When someone we love is given a terminal illness, we become painfully aware of the fragility of life and may even fear for our own mortality.
What I would like to add to the discussion is my own observations about the grieving process. Take them for what they are - just my thoughts and ideas, not the conclusions of any kind of scientific study. Personally, I think that grief is experienced in waves. Sometimes the first wave is not instantaneous, but when the emotional reaction comes, it is like a wave of feeling that rises in intensity and then eventually passes. What then happens is that eventually, another wave of intense emotion arises; again the experience is like a wave of rising and falling intensity. As grieving continues, the waves come and go periodically. But the intensity of each wave gets progressively less and the frequency of the waves gets longer. It may even be years after the event that triggered the grieving process that another wave of emotion might be experienced, but the waves get further and further apart and each time, they are of lesser intensity. This process continues until the waves are so far apart that they finally cease to arrive at all.
Because laissez faire does not shorten the grief cycle, it won't take much of a challenge to demolish the grief industry. If that happens, we will each have to fend for ourselves-an unacceptable outcome. Historically, we've always had help with the grieving process. Until recently, most of it was provided by the world's great religions. Their clergy helped survivors deal with the deep ontological and existential issues that were triggered by death. They offered complete systems of belief that included explanations of death and elaborate descriptions of the afterlife-their antidote for death. To help us grieve effectively, the system of belief must provide absolute certainty, which is hard to achieve in a multi-cultural society with competing religions offering radically different visions of an afterlife. For example, three quarters of Americans believe in heaven but only half believe in hell. Unfortunately, once we start picking and choosing we're on our own. This lack of certainty may account for the rise of the modern grief industry. The net is that we need grief counselors now more than ever. But we also also need a grief theory that is grounded in grief work. Here's an example:
It may be some time before we can truly accept that our loved one is dying and during this time we may experience alternate periods of acceptance and denial. Often, necessity brings about acceptance for the Carer as they need to make decisions regarding the best options available for the care of their loved ones. The patient however, may choose not to accept the prognosis and it is important for the carer to recognise and support their need to live in hope of a cure. Hope, is paramount to quality of life for their loved one and may even contribute to their longer survival. Whether our grief is anticipatory or grief due to the death of a loved one, there is a very real need to talk to someone about the roller coaster of emotions we are experiencing. This however is not always easy to do, due to a number of reasons which may include; trying to remain strong for the patient, trying to remain strong for the children, trying to put on a brave face for other family members and friends.
Counseling, though readily available, is resisted by many, who believe that no one could possibly understand what they are feeling, nor do anything about the outcome. Speaking from my own experience of anticipatory grief due my husband's terminal illness, I initially had these feelings and it was with some trepidation that I went to my first counselling session. Upon hearing my story, the counsellor cried, further strengthening my opinion that she could not possibly help me. I was mistaken; after a few visits I began to see the benefit of these sessions and looked forward to seeing her each week. Here, for a short time at least, I could stop acting as if everything was okay - when nothing was okay, here I could take off my brave face and let my defenses down.
As I have proposed, I believe that grieving does not really end there. The process can be really quite lengthy. After the acceptance stage, I would propose that the final stage of grieving involves adjusting to dealing with the lower level feelings that continue to arise for an extended period of time as we gradually adjust to the new situation.
Terminal diagnosis changes the very structure of our existence, takes away our control and our ability to hope and plan for the future. When someone we love is given a terminal illness, we become painfully aware of the fragility of life and may even fear for our own mortality.
What I would like to add to the discussion is my own observations about the grieving process. Take them for what they are - just my thoughts and ideas, not the conclusions of any kind of scientific study. Personally, I think that grief is experienced in waves. Sometimes the first wave is not instantaneous, but when the emotional reaction comes, it is like a wave of feeling that rises in intensity and then eventually passes. What then happens is that eventually, another wave of intense emotion arises; again the experience is like a wave of rising and falling intensity. As grieving continues, the waves come and go periodically. But the intensity of each wave gets progressively less and the frequency of the waves gets longer. It may even be years after the event that triggered the grieving process that another wave of emotion might be experienced, but the waves get further and further apart and each time, they are of lesser intensity. This process continues until the waves are so far apart that they finally cease to arrive at all.
Because laissez faire does not shorten the grief cycle, it won't take much of a challenge to demolish the grief industry. If that happens, we will each have to fend for ourselves-an unacceptable outcome. Historically, we've always had help with the grieving process. Until recently, most of it was provided by the world's great religions. Their clergy helped survivors deal with the deep ontological and existential issues that were triggered by death. They offered complete systems of belief that included explanations of death and elaborate descriptions of the afterlife-their antidote for death. To help us grieve effectively, the system of belief must provide absolute certainty, which is hard to achieve in a multi-cultural society with competing religions offering radically different visions of an afterlife. For example, three quarters of Americans believe in heaven but only half believe in hell. Unfortunately, once we start picking and choosing we're on our own. This lack of certainty may account for the rise of the modern grief industry. The net is that we need grief counselors now more than ever. But we also also need a grief theory that is grounded in grief work. Here's an example:
It may be some time before we can truly accept that our loved one is dying and during this time we may experience alternate periods of acceptance and denial. Often, necessity brings about acceptance for the Carer as they need to make decisions regarding the best options available for the care of their loved ones. The patient however, may choose not to accept the prognosis and it is important for the carer to recognise and support their need to live in hope of a cure. Hope, is paramount to quality of life for their loved one and may even contribute to their longer survival. Whether our grief is anticipatory or grief due to the death of a loved one, there is a very real need to talk to someone about the roller coaster of emotions we are experiencing. This however is not always easy to do, due to a number of reasons which may include; trying to remain strong for the patient, trying to remain strong for the children, trying to put on a brave face for other family members and friends.
Counseling, though readily available, is resisted by many, who believe that no one could possibly understand what they are feeling, nor do anything about the outcome. Speaking from my own experience of anticipatory grief due my husband's terminal illness, I initially had these feelings and it was with some trepidation that I went to my first counselling session. Upon hearing my story, the counsellor cried, further strengthening my opinion that she could not possibly help me. I was mistaken; after a few visits I began to see the benefit of these sessions and looked forward to seeing her each week. Here, for a short time at least, I could stop acting as if everything was okay - when nothing was okay, here I could take off my brave face and let my defenses down.
As I have proposed, I believe that grieving does not really end there. The process can be really quite lengthy. After the acceptance stage, I would propose that the final stage of grieving involves adjusting to dealing with the lower level feelings that continue to arise for an extended period of time as we gradually adjust to the new situation.
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